Thank you for sharing this. I went from someone who participated in a lot of direct action & showing up for folks (with groceries, etc) to having two little ones in two years. I've felt both isolated & unable to participate in the ways I would like to. I think the hardest part is letting folks show up for me so I can raise my babies & show up for my community the way I want.
Loved this so much Robina, particularly this quote: “More so that bringing your kids to the occasional protest or attending an organizing meeting sporadically as your childcare situation allows, I dare say it’s potentially more valuable, at this stage of life in particular, to commit oneself to the practice building deep, intertwined community to begin with — and the unlearning required to do it.”
In my decade of mothering and community building, I’ve found the community building goes hand in hand with the actions, but comes *first*. When you build counter cultural community, you have your people there on the ready to attend actions together. I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between mobilizing and organizing, and I land where you do I think the organizing is where we need to focus our energy, and the mobilizing follows but has a rooted community anchor to fall back into after the protest or march or whatever concludes
I love this piece! Making friends and finding community of parents isn't always easy.
As a momma of two ( 9 yrs & 2 month old), having them hard conversations with my son came out of necessity of Love/fear/ protection. Raising a young Black neurodiverse child in NYC is not easy, especially with adultification of young Black boys and girls. Educating my son required tweaks so he could understand the why? For me reading books help in opening discussions. Community is key--I am grateful my parents ( The generation of Jim Crow) taught my ass early that who I am is beautiful, strong, and change agent. I pray to the universe I am doing it right. I am still finding my radical community!
Thank you, Robina. This came at the right time. I particularly appreciate the second point about needing people more than needing The Exact Perfect Friend (hello big sister perfectionism!). I feel like my parenting style and my dreams for the future are so incongruous with most of the parents around me that it is easy to write everyone off for fear of disagreement or concerns about their influence on my young child. This is a piece I will surely revisit; it has already inspired me to reconsider unschooling and take another chance at organizing shared care with families in my area who don't seem to share my political leanings. Such a fine line to navigate, I deeply appreciate your insights.
it is really a fine line to navigate. There were many of people adjacent to the community I built that I never chose to share care with it and so on. There's a difference between not being a perfect fit, being a good enough fit, and being not aligned in ways that really matter. It takes a level of discernment. What I was hoping to get across is that that kind of discernment only comes with practice. You have to do the thing and learn from the doing.
Yes! I nodded so much while reading this post, Robina. It’s validating to read about your experiences being let down (and let down again) and, just, continuing on reaching out! Being uncomfortable and doing it anyway. As an eldest daughter, I struggle with my reaching out not being reciprocated. Having a network of connections versus *the one soulmate friend*: yes! Shrugging off the expectations that homes be immaculate and kids hair be perfectly styled before play dates: yes! Asking for specific help: yes!
The more we turn inward and try to do everything on our own, we risk losing the ability to communicate or even know what we need, what we’re missing out on.
Robina, thank you for this—you gave my now toddler a vitamin K shot in the back of my car when he was a week old lol I feel a lot of synchronicities with your story; I was 27 and in graduate school when I got pregnant. The first one to have a baby out of any of my friends. My entire identity as "an activist" has shifted significantly particularly over the past couple of years as my kiddo has a really hard time with transitions and large groups of people. I've had to completely shift my expectations. I appreciate the compassion in proposing that maybe radical organizing at this stage is building community rather than necessarily attending all the meetings and protests.
Thank you for this! I’ve been stewing about this in various ways since my kid was born (she’s 5 now), and it is incredibly helpful to read your thoughts and experiences.
I was never an activist in the “direct actions” sense, but once I had a kid and thought about how the way I was raised reflected an upper-middle class, model minority, capitalistic and patriarchal ethos, deciding to raise my kid in a deeply interdependent, diverse and loving community felt like the most radical thing to do.
Of course, everything is hard, and uncomfortable and the road is full of stumbles (I did feel seen reading this)… I too have tried to overindex on finding THE SPARK and failed, and I have tried to organize groups for progressive-leaning parents, and failed, and I have done book groups where no one had the time or energy to read the book… but each time I learned something valuable about how to show up and how not to.
One thing that didn’t resonate tho… I don’t believe that I have to keep showing up to all the park slope mom groups that are boring and all we ever talk about is brands of car seats or whatnot :) I think I deserve a better use of my time. i think it’s worth being discerning about who receives the gift of my time. I am not saying this out of snobbery, but out of a deep, hard-fought love to value myself. and following that intuition to love myself and my gifts has been very helpful to me, leading me to more BIPOC spaces, radical parent spaces, mentors, etc
thank you for penning this piece. may this convo continue— it must, for us and our kids to get free.
Thank you for making me realize I wasn't totally clear in that section of my piece. In the interest of time, I didn't specify all the ins and outs of how I chose where to persistently show up and where I didn't. I thought it was clear that I didn't go to the neighborhood meetups over and over by the way I spoke about them and then segued into my homeschool meetups, so I clarified that for those reading in the future. :) I agree there is a level of discernment between "there's not the immediate SPARK but maybe this is worth my time anyway v. this is completely alienating and not a good use of my limited time and energy." As you say, there is a level of learning in how to show up, where to show up, and so on.
This was incredible, and so helpful to see it all spelled out like this. Nothing has radicalized me like having children (and having them in the public school system) and building community in the ways you’ve articulated here has been such a critical part of that. I want to do more and this is such a great overview and roadmap!
Robina, we met just once years ago (Wren was in single digits!) and I’ve admired you ever since. Thank you for putting what you always seemed to do so naturally into concrete recommendations. I think this is the first “in addition to protesting, build community” post that actually made that sound doable to me (now as a parent of 3 and 5 year olds).
Exactly what I needed to read! I was raised by a mom who taught me to be incredibly polite and unobtrusive (your points of spontaneity would be so uncouth to her lol), and as a result, really struggled to make and keep friends as an adult until I realized that politeness was kinda killing my friendships before they could get started. Recently found out I'm pregnant with our first and was wondering how I can make sure becoming a parent doesn't kneecap my connection to community and shove me back into isolation. You've applied many of the ideas I already had to parenting and connected the dots for me!
Such an important topic. Thank you, Robina. As a fellow introvert, I find myself in a constant internal battle — I feel a significant amount of social anxiety and insecurity in the process of community building yet I’m Aquarian enough to push past the awkwardness or discomfort to bring a community to light.
The intentionality and consistency and discomfort is something I’ve found most people are unwilling or unable to handle. It is real, honest-to-God work.
Your words are bringing clarity to several questions that have been floating in my mind lately, namely how to build resilience and community — not the misnomer of “community” that is actually just a social network, but true, brass tacks community. Thank you for writing this.
This is a beautiful kick in the ass for me to be honest. All of this stuff is absurdly challenging for me AND I’ve been working so hard to make these things possible for me. I like where I’m heading but I can definitely without a doubt do more. Thank you for this.
Thank you for sharing this. I went from someone who participated in a lot of direct action & showing up for folks (with groceries, etc) to having two little ones in two years. I've felt both isolated & unable to participate in the ways I would like to. I think the hardest part is letting folks show up for me so I can raise my babies & show up for my community the way I want.
Loved this so much Robina, particularly this quote: “More so that bringing your kids to the occasional protest or attending an organizing meeting sporadically as your childcare situation allows, I dare say it’s potentially more valuable, at this stage of life in particular, to commit oneself to the practice building deep, intertwined community to begin with — and the unlearning required to do it.”
In my decade of mothering and community building, I’ve found the community building goes hand in hand with the actions, but comes *first*. When you build counter cultural community, you have your people there on the ready to attend actions together. I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between mobilizing and organizing, and I land where you do I think the organizing is where we need to focus our energy, and the mobilizing follows but has a rooted community anchor to fall back into after the protest or march or whatever concludes
I love this piece! Making friends and finding community of parents isn't always easy.
As a momma of two ( 9 yrs & 2 month old), having them hard conversations with my son came out of necessity of Love/fear/ protection. Raising a young Black neurodiverse child in NYC is not easy, especially with adultification of young Black boys and girls. Educating my son required tweaks so he could understand the why? For me reading books help in opening discussions. Community is key--I am grateful my parents ( The generation of Jim Crow) taught my ass early that who I am is beautiful, strong, and change agent. I pray to the universe I am doing it right. I am still finding my radical community!
Thank you, Robina. This came at the right time. I particularly appreciate the second point about needing people more than needing The Exact Perfect Friend (hello big sister perfectionism!). I feel like my parenting style and my dreams for the future are so incongruous with most of the parents around me that it is easy to write everyone off for fear of disagreement or concerns about their influence on my young child. This is a piece I will surely revisit; it has already inspired me to reconsider unschooling and take another chance at organizing shared care with families in my area who don't seem to share my political leanings. Such a fine line to navigate, I deeply appreciate your insights.
it is really a fine line to navigate. There were many of people adjacent to the community I built that I never chose to share care with it and so on. There's a difference between not being a perfect fit, being a good enough fit, and being not aligned in ways that really matter. It takes a level of discernment. What I was hoping to get across is that that kind of discernment only comes with practice. You have to do the thing and learn from the doing.
Yes! I nodded so much while reading this post, Robina. It’s validating to read about your experiences being let down (and let down again) and, just, continuing on reaching out! Being uncomfortable and doing it anyway. As an eldest daughter, I struggle with my reaching out not being reciprocated. Having a network of connections versus *the one soulmate friend*: yes! Shrugging off the expectations that homes be immaculate and kids hair be perfectly styled before play dates: yes! Asking for specific help: yes!
The more we turn inward and try to do everything on our own, we risk losing the ability to communicate or even know what we need, what we’re missing out on.
Robina, thank you for this—you gave my now toddler a vitamin K shot in the back of my car when he was a week old lol I feel a lot of synchronicities with your story; I was 27 and in graduate school when I got pregnant. The first one to have a baby out of any of my friends. My entire identity as "an activist" has shifted significantly particularly over the past couple of years as my kiddo has a really hard time with transitions and large groups of people. I've had to completely shift my expectations. I appreciate the compassion in proposing that maybe radical organizing at this stage is building community rather than necessarily attending all the meetings and protests.
Thank you for this! I’ve been stewing about this in various ways since my kid was born (she’s 5 now), and it is incredibly helpful to read your thoughts and experiences.
I was never an activist in the “direct actions” sense, but once I had a kid and thought about how the way I was raised reflected an upper-middle class, model minority, capitalistic and patriarchal ethos, deciding to raise my kid in a deeply interdependent, diverse and loving community felt like the most radical thing to do.
Of course, everything is hard, and uncomfortable and the road is full of stumbles (I did feel seen reading this)… I too have tried to overindex on finding THE SPARK and failed, and I have tried to organize groups for progressive-leaning parents, and failed, and I have done book groups where no one had the time or energy to read the book… but each time I learned something valuable about how to show up and how not to.
One thing that didn’t resonate tho… I don’t believe that I have to keep showing up to all the park slope mom groups that are boring and all we ever talk about is brands of car seats or whatnot :) I think I deserve a better use of my time. i think it’s worth being discerning about who receives the gift of my time. I am not saying this out of snobbery, but out of a deep, hard-fought love to value myself. and following that intuition to love myself and my gifts has been very helpful to me, leading me to more BIPOC spaces, radical parent spaces, mentors, etc
thank you for penning this piece. may this convo continue— it must, for us and our kids to get free.
Thank you for making me realize I wasn't totally clear in that section of my piece. In the interest of time, I didn't specify all the ins and outs of how I chose where to persistently show up and where I didn't. I thought it was clear that I didn't go to the neighborhood meetups over and over by the way I spoke about them and then segued into my homeschool meetups, so I clarified that for those reading in the future. :) I agree there is a level of discernment between "there's not the immediate SPARK but maybe this is worth my time anyway v. this is completely alienating and not a good use of my limited time and energy." As you say, there is a level of learning in how to show up, where to show up, and so on.
This is an all-timer. One to come back to every few months as a reminder. Thank you❤️
I love that idea, and I am so happy this piece is resonating with so many. xo
This was incredible, and so helpful to see it all spelled out like this. Nothing has radicalized me like having children (and having them in the public school system) and building community in the ways you’ve articulated here has been such a critical part of that. I want to do more and this is such a great overview and roadmap!
Robina, we met just once years ago (Wren was in single digits!) and I’ve admired you ever since. Thank you for putting what you always seemed to do so naturally into concrete recommendations. I think this is the first “in addition to protesting, build community” post that actually made that sound doable to me (now as a parent of 3 and 5 year olds).
Exactly what I needed to read! I was raised by a mom who taught me to be incredibly polite and unobtrusive (your points of spontaneity would be so uncouth to her lol), and as a result, really struggled to make and keep friends as an adult until I realized that politeness was kinda killing my friendships before they could get started. Recently found out I'm pregnant with our first and was wondering how I can make sure becoming a parent doesn't kneecap my connection to community and shove me back into isolation. You've applied many of the ideas I already had to parenting and connected the dots for me!
Such an important topic. Thank you, Robina. As a fellow introvert, I find myself in a constant internal battle — I feel a significant amount of social anxiety and insecurity in the process of community building yet I’m Aquarian enough to push past the awkwardness or discomfort to bring a community to light.
The intentionality and consistency and discomfort is something I’ve found most people are unwilling or unable to handle. It is real, honest-to-God work.
Your words are bringing clarity to several questions that have been floating in my mind lately, namely how to build resilience and community — not the misnomer of “community” that is actually just a social network, but true, brass tacks community. Thank you for writing this.
Ah! That is exactly what I was going for. I'm so glad it hits, as my teens say. ;)
Thank you so, so much for this thoughtful piece. I've had many of these issues on my mind as of late, as a parent of a preschooler. Beautifully said.
This is a beautiful kick in the ass for me to be honest. All of this stuff is absurdly challenging for me AND I’ve been working so hard to make these things possible for me. I like where I’m heading but I can definitely without a doubt do more. Thank you for this.